Productivity and Guilty feelings

I saw my counselor today. I forget that I dont always need to go to work on our marriage, but more for me. Especially since Matt is gone and we are doing so well. I truly am amazed at the strength we have gained together and how wonderful it is to have things go smooth. My husband no longer "flips a lid" anytime something goes wrong. We talk about stuff and fill eachother's love tank. This is how its supposed to be.

Now when it comes to me, Ive been sort of coming back into my own person since having Gavin. Yes Im a mom now but Im no longer this baby factory. I am my own person. I experience guilty feelings a lot though. Guilt for taking a nap. Guilt when Im irritated at my kid for whatever reason. I also have backwards thinking when it comes to me time. I dont feel I should take time away from him because he is my job. He is my responsibility. I feel like others will view me as slacker if I "pawn"  him on someone else. I never want to be a burden to anyone and Im very conscious of others' feelings and situations. On the same note though, I am very worried about what others think of me. I feel judgmental on myself if I dont keep super busy. If im busy I feel I have something to show for myself. I keep busy to combat depression as well, but I just as well get depressed when Im too tired and run down from being busy all the time. I see staying busy as productive which equals=not lazy. lazy=fat and since I have low self esteem with my weight, I feel like if I dont do anything all day I must be lazy and fat. my counselor obviously asked me where I get this from because I shouldnt feel bad for taking time for myself or even a down day. I need to be focusing more on myself and my needs because if I dont take care of myself first, How am I supposed to take care of Gavin or Matt? Its almost like I never want to be selfish but I should be "selfish" from time to time in order to rejuvenate myself and my well-being. Im thankful my husband isnt the demanding type "house clean and dinner on the table" he isnt that way. I care more about the house than he does. apparently, according to my mom, my dad was. I didnt know this back when I was a kid but I can kind of see it now. He is the best dad ever and isnt overbearing at all, but I do feel pressure to show him that Im worth something, that I accomplished things. I think it stems mostly from that. More recently, I stayed up in Napa when Gavin was a little new baby and my days were filled with naps and breastfeeding. I also was in a bad spot emotionally with our marriage and it was tough times. but when my dad came home, he would ask, "what did you do all day?" so I felt the need to prove to him that I was productive...I cleaned, vacuumed, did dishes, went for a walk, etc. even when I really didnt want to do anything. I still feel that way now. So I dont know. I asked Matt how he feels about that stuff like if he expects things from me and he only mentioned my sleeping dureing the day. duh, thats where the guilt of napping comes in. He is gone, so I dont need to worry about napping but I feel guilty for taking a nap still. I feel like I should be productive during Gavin's naptime instead of sleeping. BUT Im exhuasted. so Im slowly learning to rework that thinking because a nap is really what I need sometimes and housework can wait. Matt admitted, he just wishes he could nap like I can. I guess this all also comes from the fact that Im not working out of the home now. I dont really have anything big to show at end of the day or pay period. I feel if I slack on my jobs at home then what the heck am  I doing/ Im failing at my job then. I need to stop getting down on myself and sticking up for what I need. for me. Counselor put it perfectly, "We all get to come home from our jobs and rest. You need rest just as much as anyone else" Yes, Ill probably keep busy still, but I want to take more time for me. Especially gym time. Which I need desperately right now. Gavin's school started this week so we have our routine back M-TH. Tomorrow Im looking forward to gym, organizing, maybe dollar store and getting ready for the halfway celebration! I cant wait to see how the murder mystery plays out. I have a character and Im sort of nervous to play the part. Should be fun though! A nice break without the kids for sure.

San Diego Recap

Ive been too tired to update lately but Im sneaking a few lines in while Gav plays in the bath. (sitting right next to him, of course!)

San Diego trip was great BUT we got sick.

Thursday- Eyebrows waxed, oil change. Drive to Escondido Children's Museum. Shopped at Kearny Mesa Target, go thai food to-go and then Delanea and Brian's house for dinner. hung out and showered then bed.

Friday- Seaworld! Gavin started a cough the night before so he wasnt 100% but we had a nice day together. He loved Shamu and Pet show and of course the sesame street play land.

Saturday- worst day ever. Gavin was sick all night. I contemplated numerous times taking him to ER because his breathing was so bad. Got some medicines to help him. Lots of napping and TV. We eventually ventured off to IKEA for a bit, but it was exhausting walking around with the holiday weekend crowds.

Sunday- Souplantation for brunch just Gav and I. He was doing a bit better and we got more sleep. I was not doing so great physically and emotionally. broke down a few times. took Gavin to Balboa Park to get some sunshine and interaction. he loved the train museum. also took a little snooze by the koi pond in Japanese Friendship Garden. Played at the park for a bit. Then went to a tire place to get my jeep checked out. it was doing a weird shaking thing whenever I hit a substantial bump in the road going about 50mph. They didnt find anything and test drive of course was fine. went shopping and made lasagna for dinner.

Monday-  rained in SD. Sons of Anarchy marathon. leftover lasagna and baked cookies.

Tuesday- super hot and humid! took jeep to dealership and got it checked out and fixed. Souplantation for lunch with Delanea. Home for an episode of SOA then off to my dentist appointment. Delanea and Gavin went to the Reuben H Fleet Science Center in Balboa Park. I got done early so I walked from dentist over (which was way further than I thought, PHEW!) It was fun to play with Gavin in the Kid City area then check out a few other exhibits before he was in meltdown mode. walked back to the truck then picked up my Jeep. Hung out for a few more SOA episodes before traffic died down enough to drive home. left at 8pm and got home around 10:45.

so nice to be home!

*sigh* I Love My Husband

I feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Just got done skyping with my husband and it was just so nice to "hang out" with him for 45 minute. Yes its midnight and he's halfway around the world, but Im just glad to see his handsome face and hear his voice. He got my care package yesterday- only took 6 days to get there!

I woke up at around 6 this morning to a really bad dream. I immediately hopped online and wrote it all out for my husband. I dont need to go into details on here but it was bad. Im very angry in my dreams where Im very violent and it ended with my husband shooting himself in the head. Not the way to wake up, I tell you what. I finally was able to go back to sleep when Gavin woke up at 8 (which is kinda early for him) He was wet and also super hot and feverish. Poor dude. His 4th molar is coming in finally, its been bulging forever now but now breaking thru the skin. Not to mention both top canines poking thru as well. I knew as I laid next to my growing boy that all plans were cancelled for the day. No gym, No groceries, No gas, No library. But I did call and get a counseling appt. Ive been meaning to go for weeks now so my bad dream was the last straw. My appt was during Gavin's naptime so I had a friend from down the street come hang out while I slipped out for an hour. It was really good I went to see my counselor today. We hit on all the topics looming around in my mind. Future plans with career and our family, bad dreams, mommy guilt, feelings about friends and my parents. Its late otherwise I would go into more details but Ive just had a lot on my mind. Ive been very emotional and floundering like Im trying to find my way lately, so it felt great to let it all out to her and get her insight on it all. Im going back next week too. I got home just in time for Gav waking up, still feverish. We spent the rest of the day chilling on the couch. He didnt ever want me to leave his side. I felt so bad for him not feeling well. He didnt play all day, he just laid there, dozed in and out, watched TV and got mad at the kitty every once in awhile. I kept offering him milk and fluids, including an instant breakfast and a smoothie because he wasnt eating anything. I finally got him to eat some yogurt with applesauce. My poor bubs. I made baked spaghetti tonight, which was fabulous comfort food especially when I was craving some junk earlier but decided I had plenty of food to make at home. I packed a few tubs away for a family in need plus a serving for me tomorrow. I need to get the house presentable first thing in the morning because I have my friend Heather coming over and bringing her new baby girl. I will be watching her baby for her when she goes back to work in October so we need to meet up to discuss it and hopefully I impress her with my housekeeping abilities. (har har) Im hoping Gav feels better tomorrow so he isnt totally grumpy with a baby here. Luckily, we have his 18 month check up tomorrow so we can get refills of tylenol and zyrtec while we are there. Unfortunately, he will get shots so I foresee another chill afternoon while he recovers from that. I need to get packing done for our trip so hopefully he wont be too clingy and cranky. I tried to hammer out my schedule for the next coming months. Im crazy busy. Gavin's playtime with baby class starts next week and goes M-TH every week 930-1030. sucks that ill be missing out on 10am gym class now. But I will still work gym time in somehow. I have to.OK I must get some sleep so I can wake up early to clean and shower tomorrow morning. Goodnight world. Thanks for listening. Until tomorrow.

Juliet makes a better door than a window

Juliet is ALWAYS right in my way when Im trying to type. I love her to death but seriously, I move my head to the right and so does she. Just lay down little kitty! OK, phew she did. I love hearing her motor run though.

OK so today was a good one. Woke up (reluctantly) and got ready in a pretty cute outfit I threw together. Woke up my baby and he was so not happy to be woken up early, but got him dressed and out to the door to the cdc. He didnt want me to leave but I distracted him with some lego block things and walked out. It was somewhat busy in the office this morning. I got to learn how to do some things I didnt know prior so I was glad for that but also a bit overwhelmed because I had to ask questions a few times. I know its a learning process and Im not there more than once a week so its no wonder I always feel "behind" on my knowledge of how to do stuff. Anyways. I also got to the gym for an hour before I needed to pick up my Gavin. I was bummed to see the cardio room was completely full so I had to stay in the zumba class I dont really care for, but hey exercise is exercise, right? Its too hot to workout outside so Ill take what I can get. Picked up Gavin and headed home for some lunch and a nap. I clipped some coupons, went online, snuggled with my kitty and slept a bit. Woke up before Gavin (thank you weird numbers for calling me bunch of times) but it was good because I got to chat with my husband and make all the phone calls I needed to make. Vet appt, In-home care, YMCA. School starts next week for Gavin! Im anxious to find out what time of day the class will be so I can plan out our schedule for next month. I finally woke Gav up and he talked to his Dad on skype. I rinsed off in the shower and got dressed to head over to a friends house for spaghetti night! It was so funny because I boiled a whole pot of spaghetti noodles to make my own spaghetti tonight but then got invited over to Chrissy's house. It was a nice catching up with some ladies and laughing. Gav was being a complete jerk the WHOLE time. He was the oldest kid (for once!) and he didnt want the little babies touching his toys or touching him. So many times in the past Gav was the little baby and the older kids freaked out if he even looked at the older kid, much less touched them or their toys. Came home after I had enough with his whining and got the mail and took the trash out. (YAY I remembered! I forgot last week, whoops) In the mail was my very first jury summons. I have never ever been summoned in my life. I feel guilty for "dodging my civic duty" but my husband is deployed and getting childcare is hard enough right now. Poor Gav has teeth hurting him (thus the whiny-ness earlier) then he fell back on the table tonight and totally scratched his back. Poor baby. And of course I have zero childrens tylenol in the house. good thing we are going to the doctor on Wednesday. Mental note: Need to get zyrtec refilled and tylenol.
Im watching Giuliana&Bill right now before I go upstairs and she is so hilarious. Oh and I need to get a lid for the wet cat food cans I decided but it will have to wait until I go to a pet store in San Diego because shipping was more expensive than the $0.99 lid itself. AND Im excited to go to IKEA when we are down as well. Kids eat free September 3-5th! Hooray!

ashamed

I have been succumbing to drama lately, and I feel so ashamed. I am much much better than that. I usually stay out of it. Facebook can be a curse sometimes. Plus gather a bunch of emotional women together while their husbands are deployed and you have a ticking time bomb. There is no excuse for it. Im way too sensitive as well.Its just so frustrating to see others being immature and bashing something you are passionate about. Im thankful for a friend reminding me (even though it isnt what I want to hear at the moment) that you just need to let the drama roll off your back. Dont give any attention to it.

So Im glad I have another busy week. Ill be immersing myself in volunteering tomorrow because nothing humbles me more than helping others. I cant worry about myself all the time because its not healthy and quite frankly, gets boring at times. I enjoy being around others who take the time out of their busy schedule to volunteer as well. Also getting to the gym tomorrow will be fantastic. A stress release.

Gav and I had a somewhat chill weekend. Took a nap Saturday afternoon then Chrystal and her kids came over as they were passing thru and we decided to go to Sizzler with them and just spend the night at her house in Yucca. It was fun spending time with them. Gavin loves being with other kids and checking their toys out. Its rough spending the night somewhere else because sleeping is an issue. Gav and I slept in a twin size bed together because the comfy king size bed was full with kids and chrystals. This morning we hung out then left and shopped at Walmart. Shouldnt have spent money, but we never go out to Yucca. I got mostly stuff for Gavin...art supplies (mess free kind!) and a dinosaur and some new books. I also bought myself a new pillow because my neck has been sore the past few days with my deflated pillows. So Im very excited to relax back and sleep well tonight. We took a little nap this afternoon, but I didnt let it go too long because I wanted Gav to go to bed at a somewhat early hour. We are waking up early tomorrow morning! Ive been looking forward to making some healthy baked treats so I finally made some carrot muffins as well as some zucchini muffins. Some raisins, cranberries and a few chocolate chips might have made their way in but Im glad Gav will eat them to get some veggies in his diet. We watched some pixar movies on abcfamily.

Husband is having a busy day so I havent talked to him and I could really use him now. I talked to my mommy a bit tonight and its always nice to catch up with her. My husband and my mom. That is who I want the most on nights like tonight. I just want to cry and be myself. I want to retreat into my own world where no one is being stupid or mean or dramatic or immature or opinionated or judgmental. I realize I am not the perfect person, I actually think some pretty bad things sometimes and I feel terrible about that. Again, I need to call and make an appt with my counselor because I have a lot going on inside that I need to talk about. I thought I had myself figured out but I dont. Im 25 years old and I scoff at the 17 year olds getting married and thinking they know it all. I do not know it all, we constantly grow and change. Its just frustrating to me that I dont even know myself sometimes. Am I the person I think I am? yikes. Im kind of scared of that question. Im scared of being a bad person, Im scared of people not liking me. I want to be likeable. I want to be supportive. I want to be wanted as a friend. But I also want to surround myself with positive, non-judgmental people. Unfortunately, maybe that means an inventory of my friends. I need to check myself before I wreck myself. I need to stop gossiping.

1 Timothy 5:13 – “Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to.”


Matthew 7:1 – “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

yikes. I need to be a better Christian. I know my husband isnt into religion so I stay away from attending church but I grew up a Jehovah's Witness. A very strict religion. I still know and understand the teachings of the bible, I just stay away from organized religion since I was disfellowshipped when I was 17 years old. Its been 8 years since I stepped foot inside a house of worship.

Ephesians 4:29 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Well Im going to sign off for tonight. Its been very emotional. Poor Gav started crying when we saw me crying.

W,TH,F

Tuesday late night we went to Joshua Tree to grab a load of boxes for my friend Colleen. She finally got her house on base. I used a subway coupon on the way for dinner but I dislike ordering through the drive-thru. Im very indecisive so it wasnt very successful, my sandwich had way too many of the wrong things on it. Oh well.

 Wednesday Gavin went to CDC 930-1130 so I could go to the gym. I was sore from kickboxing so I wasnt planning on doing anything streneous, but a few minutes before 10, I decided to check out the boot camp class to see what it was all about. Im glad I went. It was a fantastic workout with one of my favorite teacher, Debra. I did burpees and mountain climbers, I HATE THEM but I did them. I hope the gym schedule doesnt change too much next month so I can keep up this kickboxing and boot camp class routine. They are a great challenge and makes me feel strong and amazing. After the gym, I picked up Gavin and unloaded my load of boxes at Colleen's house. Then finally mailed out my husband's care package. I cant even remember really what we did the rest of Wednesday...I think we went swimming with Danielle. I think that was the rough afternoon. Its been a rough week in general, between Gavin's teething, my weird sleep or lack thereof and just a cranky emotional me. blah.

Thursday is rest day. My mind wanted to workout to keep up the routine but my body needed a rest after 3 days straight of strenuous workouts. We went bowling on base with the MOPS group (moms of preschoolers)We picked up a friend who didnt have her car so Im happy she was able to come with her daughter. It was fun but also hectic. Gavin was still cranky. Toddlers dont understand how to wait your turn. Other moms also stress me out to a point. They get too hyper and overbearing, Im just like hey, relax! Gavin enjoyed the act of waiting for the ball, then carrying it to the dinosaur ramp and pushing it down the lane.So Im sure if we go bowling just us, he would like just bowling over and over again. It was hard corralling all the little kids back and forth. Then Gav threw his first fit. laying on the ground crying fit. I walked away. I was over it. I felt like we were in public so I should have done something but I know not to encourage that type of behavior. Needless to say, he took a good nap, as did I. I dont know why, but I feel guilty to nap during the day now. Like I should be able to get thru it and clean or be productive while he naps. Lately, I just need to nap. Im a much nicer person when I do.  Gav and I ran to the commissary for a few things, like wet kitty food and also redbox. Danielle came over and we finally watched Limitless. Such a good movie! I also built a box fort for Gavin (and the kitty likes it) A little duct tape and some leftover boxes from shipments sure makes a fun fort.

Friday was also a lazy day. I got the house cleaned up a bit and we skyped with Daddy. We both took a nice afternoon nap then went to the gym. I woke up to a weird quickie storm outside. Its 100million degrees in the desert but we had some rain and thunder for 20 minutes. Kind of cooled the place down from 112 to 106 so that was nice, HA! I was genius mom by thinking of bringing the portable dvd player to the gym and strap it to the stroller so Gav sat for 50 whole minutes while I did cardio. I also did push ups/crunches and stretching. It was amazing. I hope I can keep doing this in the future and Gav will sit still. There was also nobody in the gym at 3pm on a Friday afternoon so I have to remember that. Got home and Skyped with Matt again since its his weekend. I showered and got ready to head over to Meghan's house for pizza and twilight marathon. I shouldnt have eaten pizza and cookies but it was a splurge. If we stayed home we would have been bored but I would have eaten a healthy salad or something better than greasy pizza, but we got out of the house and visited with friends. Meghan has a HUGE cat and Gav liked chasing after him. So much different than our 2 lb 9 week old kitten. This cat was probably 30-40 pounds. haha. We came back home in time for bedtime and I tried out the Rockin Green Cloth Diaper  Detergent on the diapers. Im excited to see if its way better than my regular det Im using on them now. Of course I stayed up too late talking to Matt since I took a nap in the afternoon but its so nice being connected to my husband again. this deployment is going by, I just cant wait for the homecoming. I already ordered a new vinyl sign to hang, I hope it comes in time. (Last sign I ordered didnt come in time! agh!)
Today we have zero plans. I need to clean up house, again. Perhaps we will go swimming, but that means I have to shave my legs. aw man. Winnie the Pooh is playing on base at 2. Im wondering if we should attempt another movie. Since the last time we went, Gav was a terror. My friend Chrystal is going with her kids. We will see!

p.s. DOUBLE DIGITS!

=)