Missing San Diego

We are gearing up for our next trip...San Diego!! I have so much I want to do and see. Free museums in Balboa Park and Escondido. Free Seaworld. Thank you military for the freebies! I still need to pay for gas and food but it sure helps a lot. Im stoked to see Delanea and Brian but also some other friends I havent seen in a long time. Its exciting to think we will have a week out of the desert in civilization and cooler weather! I was browsing thru Restaurant.com for some possible cheap eats while we are out there and my heart sinks. I miss living in San Diego. I miss the person I was there. Id like to think Im still basically the same person, but being a mom means a whole nother playing field. Im trapped. My husband isnt here. My kid is getting 3 teeth this week. It takes uber planning just to go to the gym. and the guilt involved with taking a moment for yourself ruins it entirely. I never want to be a bother to friends and money is tight so I cant pay to have him watched all the time. but even then, I feel guilty. I only feel somewhat OK with him being in daycare or babysitter care when its for something important, like volunteering or gym. (or doctor appt) but even then, I take him to the doctor with me and the grocery store. (he likes the grocery store and doesnt bother me too much) But if I want to go eat dinner or do something extra-curricular, I feel guilty. He is my responsibility. My job. If I have him at cdc for the morning, why the heck would I pawn him off on someone else so I could get a break? but I desperately need one. I need some adult time. I need a date with my husband. I miss being in San Diego so much because I was free there. I was free and single to come and go as I pleased. I enjoyed my work and school. I worked out with friends everyday at the coolest Hillcrest 24 hr fitness. I went to lunch or dinner when I wanted without a toddler in tow. I went to the beach just for an hour because I could. I do NOT regret having a child. or marrying into the military for that matter. I love my life now. I just miss certain luxuries. I keep telling myself...kids will grow up and then you get the freedom again! But that is in what, 20-25more years. Ill be 50 years old! No wonder my mom goes and parties all the time. Because she can! I dont blame her. She stayed home with us and raised us up. She was super mom. and I see myself liek her all the time. I like it. I like that she taught me how to keep a house running, how to cook healthy meals, how to be a mom without a father/husband around all the time. I am so like her its crazy. I love you mom. I hope you know how much I love that Im like you. I love having healthy habits like you. Recycling, Reusing, Cooking and Baking healthy stuff, doing kid stuff, being crafty around the house. Sure, I wish I was a size 0-2 like you Mom, but we are still beautiful on inside and outside no matter the size. It kills me that I try to be helpful and supportive to some people and they are just too lame, ignorant and immature to realize it. I really hate the attitudes of some girls (no not women, girls) They bash the Marine Corps and think the world owes them something. Our Marines have far more important things to do than deal with your drama. I feel so bad for some of these guys who have these wives who do nothing but cause problems and/or slack on supporting their husband. I just dont understand it. I continue to attend workshops/events to better myself, get out of the house but most importantly understand my husband's job! I will never know everything but every time I learn more of the history, etc, I am so proud and honored to be a part of this life. I just wish others took the time to look outside of your own little world and know its not about YOU! We are taken care of so well. I am thankful for the basic benefits we receive but also the other little perks. Like our trip to San Diego and the free admissions to places. How amazing is that? I love museums and I hope Gavin grows up and gets to remember all these fun things like I remember the fun stuff my mom took us to do. Im thankful Im able to stay home and be so involved in Gavin's life, I just wish Matthew was able to too. To the military, my amazing mom, and my wonderful husband. Thank you for all you did and still do.

Kings of Leon

Recorded the KOL documentary from Showtime so Ive been watching little by little. Love it. And its also interesting to see my facebook status on this day in 2010 that I was dancing to Kings of Leon with Gavin. We had quite the busy few days. Yesterday, Monday, Gav went to CDC in the morning while I got my workout in. I did 3 miles on elliptical total and tried the zumba tone class. First 30 minutes were a great strength training workout, but then the zumba portion of the class was not my cup of tea. The teacher has fantastic energy but I didnt care for her dance and lack of "flow" I left after 30 minutes of trying the class. She had the stereo all messed up- my ears were ringing. I went back to the elliptical and finished out my time before I needed to pick up Gavin. Poor guy was upset when I picked him up He is getting 3 new teeth right now and just isnt feeling 100% I didnt get enough sleep the night before either so we had a lazy day after the gym/cdc time. I had my free massage from Lincoln and the lady worked on my legs and my left heel the most because my plantar fascitis is killing me. Danielle came and sat at house while Gav napped. It was actually a pretty crappy night. I feel my throat hurting a bit and my head and heel was hurting too.

Today was long. woke up early, my new babysitter came at 7:30am and of course my 7:15 alarm went off but I kept laying there and ding dong! Whoops. Showed him around and got ready. I volunteered at relief society for a short time then headed to gym for kickboxing class. I am so glad I pushed and went. I was tired and my throat was hurting but man. I love kickboxing. Such an awesome workout, a good challenge and a fantastic stress relief. I came home and babysitter and Gav had a great time. I got all settled in about to take a nap then Im so glad I looked at my calendar app because DUH! I had a coping with deployment workshop this afternoon. So Gav got a quickie nap and I got a shower and we headed back out in 110* heat. He played with the kids at childcare and I sat with my fellow wife friends talking about challenges we face for deployment. I kind of had a hard time holding back tears. Its a big reality check to me that my husband will be going back to combat in just a years time. He very much has PTSD and we have dealt with issues pertaining to his behavior, etc. Im scared. Im nervous. Im anxious. I feel helpless. I feel supportive but also one needing support. The best thing the girls today said was to stay in the here and now. Dont keep thinking of the What Ifs? Im so thankful and grateful we arent alone in this and we have so many resources available to us. I made lots of notes during the chat we had with the base counselor. I need to make an appointment to check-in with my counselor because I think I need to address these fears now. Im apprehensive in regards to when? when will we have a break from deployments? When will we get time together as a family when it isnt just pre/post deployment leave or in between weeks of training at a time? My husband, I love him, but he is a Marine first and foremost. He has done this job for years and it is who he is. Since he lost his friend in Afghanistan, he feels he must go there. He lost friends at other times too.There is lots more I could talk about but Im going to leave it at this right now. I am thankful for my better understanding of this lifestyle and why he does things he does. He truly has endured so much and sacrificed himself for our country, as corny as it sounds but its true. I just hope nothing bad happens. Its hard to think perhaps he has pushed his luck and this will be the deployment that something goes wrong. i dont know. I have to stay in this reality. And the reality is, he will come home in a few months and we will be together again. We will try to make another baby together and Gavin will get his Dad to play with. I feel like we are doing so great I dont want anything to stand in our path of happiness, but I feel pessimistic like challenges will come again. Of course they will. I have to trust we are strong enough for it, heavens knows we have been strengthened before.

So as I head to bed with the sounds of KOL in my head, I will be longing for the day when my husband gets to lay next to me in bed. I will wake up in the morning ready for another day with our sweet son. I will get to cuddle with our new kitty Juliet. I will finally send his care package off to remind him of home. I will continue to better myself and help others when I can. I will nuture my amazing friendships with the ones who understand this military life the most.

Late Sunday night

Its pretty late but I just need to blog it out before bed.

• Got our new baby kitty on Friday! She is sooo sweet and cuddly. Gavin gets down on the floor and says in a high pitched voice, "HI KITTY!" Hes doing OK with her, I keep reminding him to be gentle. He really is just hugging her but Im scared he will do damage. She has acclimated well so far. She uses her box, hurray! She sleeps in bed with me (Sorry Matt) She always wants to see me and be near me. Right now she is laying on my chest sleeping while I type. I cant complain...except when she is attacking the computer as I try to type, haha. Her name is Penny, so far. Im not super thrilled but I cant really figure out what else to name her. Her brothers name is Bolt. He has a cool lightning bolt marking on his foot. The movie BOLT the girls name is Penny, so thats where it came from. I need to get her first vet visit scheduled.
• I finally saw a picture of my husband at work today. FINALLY! He always hides from the cameras. He is so handsome and I cant wait to talk to him again. Today has gone by slow because I thought for sure he would come online but nothing yet. I know he has arrived back to his home camp, so he must be busy with work.
• Thursday night we had friends over
• Friday we stayed home for the most part. Slept in. Played with our new kitty. Visited Danielle to see her baby girl stuff and wittle newborn size cloth diapers. so cute. Im officially spending way too much on stuff for her daughter, haha. Its so tempting because girl stuff-especially cloth diapers- are waaaay cute. Danielle came over Friday night and we watched a movie and chatted the night away. I also cleaned upstairs (finally!)
• Saturday we were supposed to go to two events in the morning but Gav was up during the night teething and my sweet kitty decided 5am was a good time to chase her tail in the bed.Stayed home, relaxed and made bullseyes for breakfast. We didnt make it out until the afternoon when we met up with Jeana and her boys to go to Pioneertown. We watched the Pioneertown Posse Show and also grabbed food at Pappy&Harriets. I have been craving their delicious steak salad for weeks now, so that was amazing. Jeana and I have a lot in common so Im so grateful to have a wonderful friend in her.  Came home and rested. Then had a quiet, boring night. I could have done more productive things but I was bored. I baked cookies, watched Despicable Me with Gavin, texted friends, and cleaned house.
• Today, Sunday, We slept in again. Kind of becoming a thing again, which will change soon since school will start. It was a crafty day- Gavin and I painted the inside of a care package box for my husband so we needed to put water in teh pool out back to wash the paint off. Then Gav had a good nap while I laid on couch (with a kitty laying on me) and watched SATC. I also started decorating a wipes box with mod podge. Then we headed out to grab ice cream, which we brought to the family pool here on base and had a fun afternoon swimming. Gavin has zero fear of the water. He lets go of me and tries to swim away so I started letting him and he goes underwater but is pretty OK with it. He is quite the little swimmer. He loves to count, "1,2,3!" and jumps in. I cant wait to go swimming with my husband. He is missing all these fun things. It felt nice to be in the sun, and there were barely any people there. We came home and my friend Jessie said she was coming over. So I quickly cleaned up a bit and started some dinner while Gav chilled on the couch. I made stir fry with tofu and steamed rice. YUM YUM YUM. I also put the finishing touches on the wipes box. Its kind of ghetto if you look close but it didnt turn out half bad. The good news is, there are always more wipes boxes to decorate. Baby Braelynn will probably get a really cute girly one now that I tested it out on Gavin's. It was so nice catching up with Jessie. We used to work together so we havent had time together in a long time. Her son is 3 so he and Gavin tore the house up, running amuck. Terrorizing the kitty too, poor thing. It was a good night nonetheless. 
• Looking forward to this week and getting back to the gym. Also feeling hopeful about a new babysitter for Gavin so I can have regular gym time without worrying about the CDC being full or not.

Goodnight. I love you Matthew. I cant wait to talk to you. <3

so busy

Here is a quick run-down of the goings ons around here. I would love to elaborate but its midnight and Im just tired.
-mops funfest. feathers. firetruck.
-feeling rebellious. very rebellious.
-sushi & movie.
-talked to husband finally *happy dance*
-finally cleaned, downstairs and up.
-music soothes my soul, thank you pandora on my phone.
-working out
-kids banned from coming to gym. SO PISSED.
-cdc too full. irritating.
-get him to the greek
-ice cream social
-ipac presentation at nmcrs
-new kitty tomorrow
-cute cloth diaper find. bug on a rug.
-trip to san diego coming up and possibly tennessee as well!
-disappointing gel manicure
-rescue me <3
-need to try sons of anarchy- watch from beginning
-dinner with friends tonight. lasagna, dominoes, kids playing, holding tiny baby girl
-cant wait for scentsy to come in
-too hot outside but swimming in evenings rocks
-gavin doing new, cute things daily
-new fabric softener. amazing.
-need to do crafty projects
-going to pioneertown
-need to bake cookies for brunch & husband care package

Busy Thursday

Its amazing what sleep does for a person. I am so thankful to sleep through the night again. Gavin is getting back into the groove of sleeping in his crib by himself. Tonight he didnt cry at all so Im happy about that. I said "goodnight, I love you, see you in the morning" and he reached up and waved and said, "Nii Nii!" and closed his eyes. amazing.

We had a nice day. Woke up before Gav did, made the call for a doctor appointment and much to my surprise, no wait time and got an appointment! Im so glad we got in to see the doctor. I suspected it must have been more than just a diaper rash, maybe yeast or something, but since Ive never dealt with it as a mom I just didnt know. All I knew is the regular remedies werent working. We now have 5 different medications- oral & topical- for Gavin's skin issues. Im already seeing some improvement and we will see if the zyrtec helps his eczema too. He took a good nap this afternoon and Im kinda ashamed to admit it, but so did I. I feel guilty for napping when other things *could* get done but then again, if they REALLY needed to get done I would do them. I work better with a deadline of some sort. So yes, there are piles of clothes still sitting around from our trip. It will get done eventually.
Got to go to zumba tonight but apparently the gym people dont want us bringing our kids anymore? Yea, like thats gonna fly. Im not happy about this and I hope we can fight it because zumba especially is later on in evening with no childcare available. I dont bring my kid around if he is going to run amuck, zumba has always been the exception that all the kids come and dont bother anybody! urgh. annoying. We all have kids and we all need a workout at some point! Some sourpuss is ruining it for us I think.
Also went to a self-defense class/workshop held by the unit. Such fun! I learned a lot and thoroughly enjoyed punching and kicking a bag. Perhaps I need to look into some kickboxing training. Im just not competitive enough to actually fight another person. a bag is good. some instruction is good too. I like the way it feels to use my muscles for powerful things.
Gav played with kids at the gym and then went to the cdc while I was at my class. He was so happy to play, he didnt cry when I left and he was so happy when I picked him up tonight, not like the crying, "mom I missed you" Instead His face lit up when he saw me and he said "Hiiii!" like "I had the best time mom and I love you" On the way home in the car, I asked him if he had fun playing with the kids and he went on and on babbling about his day. I look forward to the day when he can actually tell me in real words. but then again, he probably wont stop talking at that point. He is so cute and smart though. I love my little buddy and I wish Matt was here to experience all these things. He says "choo choo!" and I can hand him a tissue and he will blow his nose, but hes really blowing with his mouth. We also say goodmorning and goodnight to Daddy's picture on the wall. He waves and kisses him and smiles so big looking at his picture. melts my heart.
Another fun thing is I received my shark steam mop in the mail today. Makes cleaning fun! already did the hallway and the kitchen. looking forward to cleaning more things tomorrow. I hope to hear from the husband soon. Its been a few days now so I hope that means soon!

good day turned sad

Had a good day but now Im emotional. I havent cried, not once, during this deployment. I told Matt I knew it was going to happen when I got home from our trip. Here it is. Im sad, Im lonely on my couch, and my son is in pain and I cant do a dang thing to help him anymore. We've been battling with his skin issues- rashes, eczema, whatever it is. and it kills me to see him in pain. He was screaming bloody murder tonight and I couldnt have felt more alone. Oh wait, there is some sort of creature scratching in the vent, so no, Im not alone. UGH. Thanks pest control guy for leaving such a detailed note of what happened when you came in to check on that. jerk.  I wish I could just revel in the amazing-ness of our day. We had a good time at the library seeing our friends from school, and also meeting a new friend this afternoon at splash park and getting to know her. but tonight is a different story. I dont feel good. I feel depressed to be completely honest. I hate saying it out loud. I think I just need to go to bed. Im not finding much joy in being alone right now. Alone in parenting, alone in eating dinner (which wasnt much to speak of), alone in watching shows, alone in my thoughts. Normally I dont mind having control over the remote or the wonderful quiet that is after 9pm when Gavin goes to bed. But tonight is not normal for me. tongiht is feel sorry for myself night and no one is invited.I dont need the pity from anyone, I just needed to pour it all out onto "paper" so here it is. I hope tomorrow Im back at it as usual because I dont like this at all. I miss my husband. Im just not complete without him. Im fully capable of being without him, I just dont like it. not one bit.

wrapping up our travels

Today is the last day of our whirlwind adventure. Gavin is still sleeping and Im out in the living room of the vacation home in Yosemite. It smells like camping up here and I like that. I wanted to quickly reflect on the last few adventures so I dont forget!

July 24th- Went to the Cole Bros. Circus in Middle Island, NY. Very hot inside the big top, but a fun show nonetheless.

July 26th- Swimming at Donna's pool- such a nice set-up, I told my MIL I wish we came there everyday to swim! Also went shopping

July 29th- Date with Amanda- originally was a beach day but it rained. Amanda and I went to gym for mega mix workout & elliptical at 9:30 then got ready for sushi. great sushi at Kotobuki in Happauge. Drove back to the little movie theatre and saw Crazy, Stupid Love and it was such a good movie. Im definitely buying it when it comes out. Ryan Gosling was so hot and I always love Emma Stone. Then I showed her the beach real quick and grabbed some coffee ice cream (which im obsessed with right now)

July 30th- Splish Splash- a great park but too crowded with ghetto-ness. only went on two slides all day, but I think Gav had fun with the grandparents in the kiddie areas. Had a rough night with Gavin's skin flaring up with a rash/eczema and it was painful for him. Gave him an anti-histamine for the first time and hydrocortisone cream so he slept o.k. his eczema is still there but definitely not all flared up like that was. Need to get him in to the doctor.

July 31st- Nail Day for MIL and I. We got the deluxe, amazing pass-out in your massage chair pedicure and then I also splurged on a gel manicure. So worth it. I never ever get my nails done because they chip with all the work I do with my hands. I never see the point! Now my nails look amazing and still freshly painted, thats it, Im hooked!

August 1st- Haircuts by Dina. Gavin's hair was getting unruly (again) and Im so glad we got it cut, he looks so handsome with his big boy haircut. Im also glad I mentioned my hair because I wasnt going to get it cut, but it needed some layers. Dina does a fabulous job. Every summer I get my haircut from her, its like a tradition now. Went to library with the kids and watched Gnomeo & Juliet at their house.

August 2nd- Chloe and Liam came over to play in backyard- pizza party- shopping at Target- dinner at Friendly's- watched Rio at Sean & Liz's house. The kids all danced on the coffee table, so cute! said our goodbye's. Chloe wishes we lived in NY, I told her maybe someday we will live on the same street!

August 3rd- Packed up for our flight- played at the park at the school- Gav knocked his lip and bled all over but then kept playing- taco bell & slurpees for lunch (not a good idea before a flight, btw) took a nap- drove to airport- line was long at the counter but security was a breeze. Gav and I grabbed a Jamba Juice & clif bar then walked around. He was being awesome walking like a big boy with his backpack of toys. Another lifesaver for me was the family restroom! a reprieve from the crowds. One big bathroom with changing table and toilet where we could set our bags down and "recharge" without worrying Gavin would crawl under the stall or something silly. flight went well, Gav slept the first 3 hours or something so I watched Rescue Me and parts of a movie.I also witnessed a phenomenal lightning storm out the window. Breathtaking and powerful. Arrived to Sacramento and Colin picked us up, got gas and In N Out (the last of my travel fast food, btw!) finally got to sleep at 2:30am at Dad's house.

August 4th- Our wedding anniversary! 4 years married to the love of my life. Woke up at 8:30 had breakfast outside on porch. Went to Home Depot with Dad and also visited Sue's work. Picked up Allen for lunch at Whole Foods. It was wonderful to have a meal with fresh, healthy ingredients. Kale, barley & cranberry salad and tofu stir fry with rice. YUM! caught a magnificent nap in the afternoon then went downtown, visited Allen at work and walked Chef's Market. Gavin liked playing at the kids area but snuck a bite of cinnamon play dough and freaked out it was too spicy & salty, so I treated him to a shaved ice to cool his mouth. Also had a nice time seeing an old friend, Heather, and her wittle baby Ethan at the park where Dad was doing sound for Napa City Nights. Picked up Josh and started our journey to Yosemite (which took much much longer than planned due to my crack navigator) finally made it to the vacation house at 3am. Gav did good on the ride though since he had his dvd player. He was laughing so much at Blue's Clues and talking to it.

August 5th- 2 down- Spent the day in Yosemite- will write more later

August 6th- lazy day- napped then went to the beachfront on the lake

August 7th- today- cleaning up the house then beach again- then driving back home! I cant wait to sleep in my own bed and I sure hope Gav sleeps in his own crib too!