I saw my counselor today. I forget that I dont always need to go to work on our marriage, but more for me. Especially since Matt is gone and we are doing so well. I truly am amazed at the strength we have gained together and how wonderful it is to have things go smooth. My husband no longer "flips a lid" anytime something goes wrong. We talk about stuff and fill eachother's love tank. This is how its supposed to be.
Now when it comes to me, Ive been sort of coming back into my own person since having Gavin. Yes Im a mom now but Im no longer this baby factory. I am my own person. I experience guilty feelings a lot though. Guilt for taking a nap. Guilt when Im irritated at my kid for whatever reason. I also have backwards thinking when it comes to me time. I dont feel I should take time away from him because he is my job. He is my responsibility. I feel like others will view me as slacker if I "pawn" him on someone else. I never want to be a burden to anyone and Im very conscious of others' feelings and situations. On the same note though, I am very worried about what others think of me. I feel judgmental on myself if I dont keep super busy. If im busy I feel I have something to show for myself. I keep busy to combat depression as well, but I just as well get depressed when Im too tired and run down from being busy all the time. I see staying busy as productive which equals=not lazy. lazy=fat and since I have low self esteem with my weight, I feel like if I dont do anything all day I must be lazy and fat. my counselor obviously asked me where I get this from because I shouldnt feel bad for taking time for myself or even a down day. I need to be focusing more on myself and my needs because if I dont take care of myself first, How am I supposed to take care of Gavin or Matt? Its almost like I never want to be selfish but I should be "selfish" from time to time in order to rejuvenate myself and my well-being. Im thankful my husband isnt the demanding type "house clean and dinner on the table" he isnt that way. I care more about the house than he does. apparently, according to my mom, my dad was. I didnt know this back when I was a kid but I can kind of see it now. He is the best dad ever and isnt overbearing at all, but I do feel pressure to show him that Im worth something, that I accomplished things. I think it stems mostly from that. More recently, I stayed up in Napa when Gavin was a little new baby and my days were filled with naps and breastfeeding. I also was in a bad spot emotionally with our marriage and it was tough times. but when my dad came home, he would ask, "what did you do all day?" so I felt the need to prove to him that I was productive...I cleaned, vacuumed, did dishes, went for a walk, etc. even when I really didnt want to do anything. I still feel that way now. So I dont know. I asked Matt how he feels about that stuff like if he expects things from me and he only mentioned my sleeping dureing the day. duh, thats where the guilt of napping comes in. He is gone, so I dont need to worry about napping but I feel guilty for taking a nap still. I feel like I should be productive during Gavin's naptime instead of sleeping. BUT Im exhuasted. so Im slowly learning to rework that thinking because a nap is really what I need sometimes and housework can wait. Matt admitted, he just wishes he could nap like I can. I guess this all also comes from the fact that Im not working out of the home now. I dont really have anything big to show at end of the day or pay period. I feel if I slack on my jobs at home then what the heck am I doing/ Im failing at my job then. I need to stop getting down on myself and sticking up for what I need. for me. Counselor put it perfectly, "We all get to come home from our jobs and rest. You need rest just as much as anyone else" Yes, Ill probably keep busy still, but I want to take more time for me. Especially gym time. Which I need desperately right now. Gavin's school started this week so we have our routine back M-TH. Tomorrow Im looking forward to gym, organizing, maybe dollar store and getting ready for the halfway celebration! I cant wait to see how the murder mystery plays out. I have a character and Im sort of nervous to play the part. Should be fun though! A nice break without the kids for sure.
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