The Weekend

• Brunch Saturday morning with the company spouses. 
• very nice seeing some and meeting others! fantastic breakfast food. I made savory bacon, cheese and scallion scones as well as sweet raisin cranberry scones.
• Gavin woke up feverish, so we didn't stay as long as I would have liked at the brunch- hung out all day Saturday in the house. He slept most of the day and cuddled with me. I felt antsy as I haven't had down time like this in a long time. I watched Pearl Harbor and some design shows.
• My dear Courtney came bearing food for me and we visited for a few minutes. She showed up right as I was about to lose it, I sure do love that girl. (Gavin was leaking poop all over the place at some point last night)

• Sunday morning we slept in, seeing as we were up a bit during the night. 
• Abby invited us to The Mango Hut for lunch, and even though I was going to decline for money reasons, I'm so glad we went! It was a great spot for food and atmosphere and Gavin was awesome too! I cant wait to go again and order something different.
• Took some random pictures on the lot, I loved the old buildings. I sure wish our family portraits were taken there, but there is always a next time!
• Gav and I spent the rest of the day at home. We have another busy week ahead of us and he was still acting a little cranky (no fever!) He also hasn't been eating or drinking that much. 
• Talked to all the parents in my life on the phone/skype, so that's always fun.
• Husband had duty so I haven't chatted much with him. I'm anxiously waiting to hear if he has completed the paperwork we desperately need done. Crossing my fingers!
• Everyone and their mom is pregnant right now.

The huge 5-load pile of laundry on my bed isn't going to fold itself, so that's what Ill be doing before bed. Need to be somewhat ready for the week ahead because after this week we will be out of town for 1.5 months! My motivation for everything has been sorely lacking the past 24 hours.

Fabulous Friday

Had a pretty good day- a nice change from the last few funky days. Had to wake up early to welcome Tristian in, as his mom needed me to babysit for the day. Seeing him and Gav play is so fun. Yes, there were a few moments where they stole eachother's toy, or I had to take the plastic golf clubs away due to hitting. But what else do you expect from 15 month olds?? We field tripped to the splash park and it was really beautiful out! Its been tremendously hot this week but it was a nice 90 out while we were there at 10am and I dont think temps went over 95 today. Nice and cool! haha. Unfortunately, T man didnt nap for very long so that proved to be a trying afternoon as he was just dog tired by the time his mom came back from work. Both boys were climbing all over me and needing attention. A glimpse into my future when we have more children!

It makes me happy and fills my love tank being able to talk to my husband throughout the day. I told him tonight that sometimes I feel like we get to talk more while he is gone than we do when he is home. When he is home there are distractions and things to do. When he is away we make the time to communicate with eachother and focus more on it. Although he said he feels like we talk a lot when we're together too, and he is right. We love and miss eachother.

I am so so grateful for my wonderful friends. I have kind of been on overdrive with a busy calendar and all, so Im glad Courtney invited us over for dinner tonight. I would have never thought of it because I feel like my brain is fried. We had no plans (and none for the weekend, either) and getting out of the house is definitely good. Passes the time quicker and wears gavin out for bed! We made a yummy dinner- salad and tator tot casserole. (never had it before!) and also iced some cupcakes. I uploaded some pictures from a disk and then we caught up on some gypsy wedding and extreme couponing episodes all while talking, playing with gav and petting the doggies. I would love to adopt a working dog- so well behaved and smart! I feel so comfortable with Gavin and the dogs because he can pet or touch or put his foot in his face and he doesnt care in the slightest. He just enjoys your love and attention.

So we are home now and Gavin is sleeping in his bed. I have talked to my love for a bit and even caught a few minutes of sexy Christian Bale Batman but now im heading to bed. Ill be waking up early in the morning to bake some bacon and cheese scones. Wish me luck, I hope they turn out as great as they sound. Turns out, coming up with a brunch dish is kind of difficult!

still feeling low

Looking at my hair, I realize now that the box color I put on a few days ago sure didnt cover all the way! Ive got splotchy hair that I dont have time to style properly. So I look terrible and feel terrible too. Any support for my husband is going unnoticed and unappreciated right now but I cant complain because then it would put him in an even worse mood. He divulged what is going on over there and I feel bad for him. I told him I wish I could fix it, and how I want to be the person that can put a smile on his face despite all of that. I tried to talk about good things, like how his care package went in the mail today. It doesnt seem to be helping at all. So, Im biting my tongue because I want to be angry at him. I want to have communication and love from him but he cant right now when he is pre-occupied with his issues. so I need to just wait. Its selfish of me to want that attention. but it also doesnt feel very good when my issues dont ever matter, but when he is having issues I have to walk on eggshells and try to help and smile and nod when all I want to do is cry, be angry and sleep it off.  Im kind of done being strong and cheery and positive. deployment frickin sucks. I cant wait for my counseling appointment next week... I need to de-code my crazy dreams and talk about my feelings. p.s. I dreamt I was a new Marine during my nap today. I was wearing starchy cammies and couldnt get them just right and Matt kept coming by to check on me and help me look o.k. I remember feeling nervous because I didnt want to get in trouble for my uniform or doing something wrong. ugh. deployment dreams suck.

Celery and Peanut butter

I am in a funk today! woke up from a bad dream early this morning (again) and no husband online to talk to. This time it wasnt Gary Busey searching for me, but matt. I tried escaping and hiding under a porch but he eventually found me. Its such an intense dream of fear and physical exhaustion and I really dont know why Im dreaming like that. I need to look up possible meanings so maybe I can figure it out.

 Finally had to get up and get ready to go walk with some ladies for the unit.We are tracking our mileage so its like "walking to ______" (where they are). During breakfast, husband came online finally and immediately said, "hey, im grumpy, and I dont feel like talking to anyone. Its not you, its just bunch of stuff going on and people are fuckin with me" So of course I replied, "OK I love you, Im here for you. and make sure you check your email for some "fun" photos I sent last night" haha, its true. cmon, you all do it, be honest! So after hearing him so upset I feel terrible. I wish I could cheer him up, I wish I knew what was going on. I wish I could help in SOME way. I know he isnt the only one dealing with issues. I know tensions are high with all the prep they have to do right now, and guys are getting snippy with eachother. I wish that wasnt the case but its out of my control. Sure makes me feel crappy though. I know my sleep is off, so Im tired. Im also hormonal from whatever is going on with my cycle too. Its the days like today I wish I had a mood stabilizer of some sort because I feel like crying at any moment and curling up in a ball. The house wont get cleaned, the errands wont get done, and my poor child wont have a great day either. We got out to walk which was good, I wish it helped my mood, but just kinda wore me out further. I have been so AWESOME the past few weeks, energetic and ready for anything. no crying, no funky feelings, and able to support others.and able to deal with toddler messes. but now Im just feeling crappy. And I definitely dont want to whine to any of my friends because everyone has something going on in their lives. So, I hope this blog session helps clear my head a bit. I hate being so emotional and sensitive. =(  luckily Gavin is such a cool kid and sat on couch with me to watch some cartoons and eat a snack of celery and peanut butter. i love him. hes my bestest little buddy.

tired=agitated

Had a good morning with my darling son. Woke up, breakfast of waffles & bananas and strawberries. Headed out to storytime, kind of rushed out the door and realized Matt's care package wasnt perfectly ready to ship so I left it home to take later. I also didnt have my shopping list ready, so after a fun storytime we came straight home. I dont want to brave the store without being prepared with my coupons and such. Its also flippin hot out now! Summer has officially hit the desert. I cant believe this is our 3rd summer in the desert.

My friend Mary and her son AJ (Gav's age) came over this afternoon and she trimmed my hair up, but also gave Gavin his very first haircut! I feel sad about it, but his hair was really getting unruly. He looks like such a little boy now and no longer my baby.
The afternoon was hard for me. I was losing my patience with Gavin making so many messes. He spilled my drink, then spilled my coffee, spilled his food, spill spill spill. not to mention, he had taken his diaper off in his crib and  pooped everywhere! It was my fault I didnt put pants on him before he laid down for a nap. Its also my fault for leaving stuff out for him to grab. I realized I was just tired. Little things that shouldnt bother me, sure do bother me when im tired. I finally got a short little nap before we had to wake up and go to Courtney's house. Im so glad I got a nap because I really needed it. I wish my nighttime sleep was restful enough to get me through the day, but it hasnt been lately. and that sucks! I need to be super woman right now and not take naps. but I just cannot be the best mom when Im tired and agitated at Gavin when he is just being a kid. So anyways, tonight I attended a FOCUS workshop called SNAP. It was great to learn some new techniques on how to effectively problem solve, but also a bit on relaxation. I also just love being around strong, wonderful women who I can relate to.
So on to tomorrow, another hot day in the desert. We're walking the PFT course in the morning and dropping off Matt's care package. I want to grocery shop at some point. We're also slated to go to the pool after Gavin's nap- plus zumba! I have a feeling I will cut something out. Most likely the pool. Ill be babysitting all day Friday so we could do the splash park then instead. Im rambling, but its nice to sort it all out in my head. Im obsessed with my calendar app on my phone too.  Its 11:00pm, time for me to settle into bed and hopefully sleep good. I miss you honey, I love you so much.

lovey love love

Im so in love with my husband. and nothing makes me more happy than knowing that he is in love with me. 


‎"Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad because I miss you I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss."
--Unknown


This morning I woke up from a terrible dream where gary busey was sodomizing and kidnapping in my moms neighborhood and we kept running and hiding but he was fast and jumping to get us and we called the cops but the cops werent coming fast enough. thank you husband for texting my phone right then because I woke up and was glad to talk to him even if it was 5:45am. We had a wonderful conversation of our love for eachother, etc. sorry I get to sappy, its my blog! 
I dont know why I havent been having very restful sleep lately and not very deep either. I wake up super early in the morning and I toss and turn, cant ever get comfortable I guess. and I swear, its not like "oh i miss him so much" nothing like that. I feel totally fine! I sleep fine without him, because I tend to hog the bed :P Finally got up, got ready for volunteering and took Gav to the CDC again. I shouldnt have waved bye to him because he started crying again, poor guy.
So being at the office was nice, I felt a tiny bit more comfortable. Of course it wasnt all that busy! I got to know the girls a little more and helped re-organize a few things. Then a different girl walked in like she owned the place. I thought she was nice at first and then as time went on, she really started to rub me the wrong way. Always getting in the way, talking down like I dont know anything (which i know im still training, but let me try to do it first before just doing it for me!) just... i dont know. it really bothered me. I dont think shes there a whole lot and maybe I can try to avoid being scheduled at the same time. I just dont feel like she has the same lovely attitude as the other girls in the office. Everyone else is so great and compassionate and easy to get along with. We are volunteers for goodness sakes! Anyways, I left, picked up Gavin, then headed home for some lunch and his nap. Found out my POA isnt good enough for a loan we are trying to finish, so I had to give Matt that news and I was bracing for impact, so to speak, because the old matt would have FLOWN off the handle at any sort of stressor like that. but i was pleasantly surprised that he was calm and totally amazing about it all! I can hardly believe it. Quite honestly I was so used to the anger and outbursts, that now its like, a dream! His reactions are so much more controlled and thoughtful even! Thank you honey. I know it takes a lot to keep in check when under stress.
I also had to call and double-check I had a counseling appointment this evening. my standing appointment. Turns out I had been taken out of that slot for good. They misunderstood a message I left weeks ago about not being able to show up for an appointment since Matt was deploying. So, needless to say, I felt a little miffed. this isnt the first time ive had issues with scheduling with this office. I made an appointment for next week, as I would like to go and just check in and talk about some stuff. Then just make appointments as needed through this deployment. I really feel as if we have "graduated" from intense therapy. Matt promises that we will go to a session or two right when he gets home so we can stay on the same page and make sure we're good and reintegrated. again, im amazed at how lucky I am to have him. 
Those hiccups, and the fact that a bunch of my mom friends had such a terrific day at the pool and didnt invite us- dont keep me from enjoying the other blessings in my life. Booked our plane ticket to new york. got a fantastic deal and a "first class" upgrade! I am so stoked. Ill be flying alone with Gavin on a long flight so I feel I deserve it. and we spent LESS money than the other fare I was looking at. 
Zumba was so amazing tonight. It felt good to sweat out the bad energy and just let loose for a bit. The new teacher and Melissa tag teamed tonight so we got a little of both and I was thrilled. Im finally learning the combinations to the point where I can perfect the movements, look ahead (and not at the floor) and pretend im dancing on stage like I used to. I loved performing with dance. Its in my soul to dance and perform. 
Tonight we ate spaghetti, should have hosed Gav off afterwards but cleaned the kitchen anyways and we took a bath together! I dyed my hair last night and Im getting it cut tomorrow, im very excited for that. Now Gavin is asleep in his bed and I will enjoy a few shows from DVR before I can get comfy in my bed. Life is Good. <3

Another week

A pretty good Monday. Woke up, had breakfast and went to storytime. Also stopped by the Home Store to pick up some pool toys for Gavin. For the first time, I let him walk around in the store without getting a cart. He loved it and didnt want to leave! He kept playing with the Thomas flashlight, and the second we got home he got his out and played with it. He is so amazing. Today more than ever I realize he actually understands what Im saying to him. I asked him to get his shoes and he goes and grabs them! Or if I say, "lets go out thru the garage" he goes to the garage door. Its just so wonderful watching him grow and progress. 

After Gavin's nap, we headed to Courtney's house to visit and sniff scentsy. I love that family. I never want to leave, but Gav was ready to go. We got to skype with daddy for a long time tonight! It was fun, we took him in the garage and showed him all around. He also requested I look for something so he got to come with. Its nice feeling like he was there. The best part was Gavin giving him high-fives thru the screen. totally cute but kind of sad that he has to do that. but daddy is our hero and we've got to do what we gotta do! The rest of the night went well. Gavin and I had a good dinner together at the table. Nothing makes me more happy than having dinners around the table as a family. I wish we did it more when Matt is actually home. We get so sucked in to the TV that we dont take the time to do that. Anyways, Gav got a bath, helped me fold laundry, talked to my mom, put gav to bed, dyed my hair, showered, laundry and dishes. and now im watching Nurse Jackie and US states of Tara before bed. Matt is online showering me with love and I feel so lucky to have someone like him. makes me want to cry happy tears because my heart is just filled with love. love for my son, love for my husband, love for my life and my family, and love for my friends and the new friends coming into my life! Its just amazing how things work out. I am grateful for the challenges I had to face to get to this point. *sigh* tomorrow will be a good, full day. volunteering in the morning, so gav will go to the cdc. then i need to call and finish up our loan, then zumba and i think i have a counseling appointment too. the days are going by almost too quickly!

happy

Yesterday was a great day... made tacos and tropical drinks for girls night at my house! It makes my heart happy to have so much conversation and laughter in my house, especially when Im missing my husband at home. Although, its been going so much better since I have the chance to chat with him at least once a day. I love him so much. so yes, last night was so fun. We sat and chatted in the kitchen, brought the kiddie table in for Keiralee and Gavin to eat at. Which turned into Gavin climbing on the table and smearing sour cream all over himself. Then we played Scribblish in the living room, and boy that was hilarious! Then we migrated out in the backyard for a bit, chatted some more and watched the kids play. Then finally plopped down on the couch and started a movie, Just Go With It. Cute movie. Im really glad we did a girls night and I cant wait for next time. especially since other people will be back and we can play different games,etc.

Today was officially LAZY DAY. finally! I really feel like this past week zoomed by since our calendar was pretty full! Gav and I snuggled in the bed and talked to Daddy online. Then when I wasnt looking, Gavin got into my vaseline jar and got it EVERYWHERE!! Such a mess, but I couldnt help but laugh. He wouldnt sit still for a picture but it was like, on his nose, his hands. everywhere! We had breakfast and played then took a long glorious nap. I allowed myself to take a nap too and Im so glad I did. I needed that little recharge/refresher. We woke up in time to eat a quick lunch and head to the pool. Such a nice time enjoying the sun, the water and talking with some new friends from the unit. Gavin does well in the water but he didnt enjoy putting on the lifejacket and me letting go. Im hoping to sign up for the last session of swim lessons to do with Gav. Should be fun. We're going to be traveling so much, there's only that one last session we will be here for. Another thing I want to do is go buy some cheapy pool toys for Gav since he always plays with other kids pool toys when we are there.

My accomplishment tonight was finally putting together the nametape bracelets Ive been drooling over. Last deployment I had a metal bracelet made to wear every day but this one I wanted something different, but definitely something to wear everyday. Im so proud of how mine turned out! I did one desert and one woodland with a pink polka dot ribbon and even a little charm too. they needed a little tweaking, but turned out amazing nonetheless. Now my next project (of many!) is to paint my own wood sign. I really like the wood signs that say: The ____ Family established ____. Home is where the Marine Corps sends us. and have the bases listed underneath. I hope I can get it just right!!

Watched the season finale of Army Wives just a little bit ago and it sure seemed like a series finale, so I double checked but sure enough, renewed for a 6th season! I was chatting with my husband and updating him on everything, he makes me laugh. Of course SSGT Leblanc gets accepted into OCS school. In a matter of a few years the guy has been to Iraq, Afghan, Recruiting duty, picked up rank TWICE and now OCS. like that is reality.haha. but my husband called that one. He always calls it. on every movie and tv show we watch he predicts what is going to happen. i love him but hate him for it.

on a totally different topic. Im completely irritated when people bash California. I DO NOT bash your state *cough* Texas *cough* Everywhere has their pros & cons. Yes I understand you aren't from here, I understand you get homesick for whatever your burger joint is, etc. But please, STOP bashing our local eateries, or the way things are done, etc. I am so over it. You can be proud of your state, sure, but some people take it way too far. I would never hear the end of it if  I was stationed in Texas/Kentucky/Wherever and bashed your state for whatever reason. Most importantly, I wouldnt do that!! I try to respect people, not put them down. geez. end rant.

Fun Friday

I had my first day of volunteering at the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society. Gavin also had his first day of real childcare at the CDC on base. Poor guy cried when I walked out the door, but the ladies said he did well. It was really nice that they provide his meals there- Ive been having a "block" on what to feed him these days so not having to prepare food for him was a nice little break (even if it was only 5 hours!) I learned a lot at the office. I even got to complete 4 quick-assist loans on my own. Its a very interesting position to have...The Marines/Sailors come in pretty upset or angry that they are there. The society is there to educate financial independence but also to provide relief through interest free loans. A much better alternative to a payday loan place. A lot of reasons for coming to the relief society are out of the Marine's control, its not that they budgeted poorly- sh*t happens! Its just a different spot for me to be in, Im used to giving medical care. Where I can be compassionate and actually FIX whats wrong. In this position I can still be compassionate but a little more limited and Im not necessarily fixing something. I dont know, i dont think im explaining my feelings well. The people leave thankful for the help but still stressed. Its like I wish I could offer more comfort or something. Its even a tad depressing to hear the different stories/situations people have. It goes to show, you never, ever know what is going on behind closed doors. I am very much looking forward to moving up and learning how to do case-work so perhaps I could do more to help but also work on budgets. I love doing my own budget and Im kind of obsessed with keeping it in check and organized so I like the idea of that part of it.

I am very happy to announce that the non-communication is over! My darling husband talked to Gavin and I this evening and it was so what I needed. He reassured me, he complimented me for doing such an amazing job. I was reminded that he is this wonderful man, working hard for us and has changed a lot in the past few months. The old Matt would have been grumpy and gotten upset easily at me and every little thing. But tonight proved to me that he has changed. He is the new and improved Matt. A man I can love and trust and have the cutest babies with. My heart is full and happy now. A part of me is embarassed that I let one person control my feelings so much but I have to remember we arent supposed to endure such a challenge such as a deployment. Im allowed to have feelings and emotions. Yes I have my big girl panties, and Yes I wear them 99% of the time.

After our morning out of the house, Gav and I got some downtime, then played outside in pool & cleaned up the steam cleaner and the entire backyard. including toys and pool. We are getting ready for our little girls night tomorrow night. Im very excited to have some friends over, I wish i could invite more, but my house just isnt that big! I put a big dent in my cleaning to-do list. dusted, vacuumed, steam cleaned carpets, dishes, and scrubbed bathtub (it was smelling weird!)  Tomorrow I need to do the finishing touches, a bit of shopping and the cooking. YAY for tacos and pina coladas! It really truly makes me happy to cook for others. I am also very happy to have such a wonderful group of wife friends to turn to and also support. Im now an admin for a batallion wide fb group and a company level fb group. Ive been watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and it sure is crazy, but I cant stop watching! Im ready to head upstairs to bed. Im hoping for a good nights sleep tonight and maybe sleep in? One can hope.

im tired and slackin on the bloggin

Yesterday... what the heck did we do yesterday? Errands in the morning-faxed POA, p/u boxes and custom forms, commissary for fresh fruit, veggies and milk. Gav napped then we played outside in the pool, it sure is warming up here in the desert. Ive been feeling particularly bleh so I knew I needed to get busy with something, so Gavin and I went into the garage and started work on organizing all the stuff in there. Darling husband of mine never got around to cleaning up his mess and its been driving me crazy. PLUS we need to park his jeep in there. So 3.5 hours later all the trash is in trash bags (lots and lots of trash) and gear is organized into bins. The only areas that still need "fine-tuning" is the bookshelf FULL of papers, books, etc. and the joe area which is matt's expertise. I feel so proud for getting it done. Now what is killing me is that Matthew has yet to get online or call me, so I have all this good news to share but no satisfaction of sharing it with him- the one person who I care to impress. :(

Today: thrift store (half off day!) mystery shops with Melissa and Hailey in tow. also hit up walmart and sonic (kids meals for the kids) gav and i got home and had a quick dip in the pool in backyard to cool off then he went to nap. of course i finally settle down and want to sleep and 10 minutes later he wakes up. He has been such a good boy though. We hung around the house until zumba-which was a bust since the teacher wasnt there. Some ladies got their ipod and speakers out so we did an impromptu zumba class and still got our sweat on, but definitely not the same. Good news though, Im volunteering for the first time at NMCRS tomorrow while Gav goes to the CDC. Quite frankly, I need a little kid free time. Hes awesome and even did really really good at the gym tonight, but I just...i just need a second. Ive been feeling so unhinged because of the lack of communication with DH. We did so much work on our relationship and communication and Im feeling so insecure that it wont be so good when he comes back. I hate to feel dependent on him, because I like to think im very independent. BUT he is the only one who can reassure me of our relationship and our vows to eachother. Cleaning up trash in the garage can be satisfying but also disconcerting when you find pieces of paper from the past. Im insecure and I need reassurance right now. Im struggling with deciding whether to burden him with those feelings or leave it be since he is busy with work. I dont want him feeling like I cant be away from him, because I can! Im not sitting around being depressed and eating bon bons. We have been busy and social and active. ugh. its just been a bad emotional day for me.

Speaking of being social: girls night saturday night!! im gonna make tacos and we will rent a movie, undecided as to which movie yet. This will be good motivation to clean up the house (again) and steam clean the carpets too. I think sunday will be a good pool day. I also want to get gavin registered for swim lessons for mid august when we get back from our adventures in the US of A. OK im heading to bed. Here's hoping for something from husband tonight. *fingers crossed*

Tuesday

I meant to blog last night but I was just tired! and a few loads of laundry were looming over my head (and clogging up my bedroom!) so I finally got all of it put away and fresh sheets on my bed. awwhh there is no better feeling that crawling into a comfy, fresh bed.

Courtney, Danielle and I attended the PTSD/TBI educational workshop Tuesday morning. It was put on by the FOCUS group and there were a few special guest speakers to include a doctor that works with marines and sailors over in coronado. VERY interesting and informative. They touched on symptoms and even the patho physiology of the brain and the chemicals involved when dealing with stress and a traumatic event. WOW. I learned a lot. I really wish Matt was there or the unit could get this presentation in the future. a lot of the guys have been dealing with residual effects of Iraq/Afghanistan recently. I also realized a lot of our problems this past year have probably been related to PTSD. Anyways, it was an amazing presentation. and a fantastic reminder that I am not alone in the feelings I have had and do have sometimes. Its difficult being married into the military but even more difficult for the service member to adjust to "regular" life. I am also more aware than ever that I have supportive and understanding people in my life. I really wish some friends would have attended this and other workshops to better their understand of their husband, etc. Contrary to popular belief, this base has a LOT to offer, especially in the way of family support. Speaking of which, I am so excited to get started volunteering at the NMCRS on Friday! I was able to get Gavin into the CDC so I dont need to burden any friends so I am happy about that!

I also made a phone call to USAA to adjust our car insurance while Matt is gone. Saves us money, hooray! what I didnt plan on was being on the phone for over 2 hours- but for good reason. I ended up asking advice regarding possibly refinancing our jeep. Matt is mad at me for not doing it yet. and sure enough, we got approved!! The only caveat is my POA on file was expired so I had to go out and fax the new one over to finish up the loan process. I really really hope everything keeps going smoothly because this really is a dream come true. We were screwed over so bad when we purchased the car, so getting our interest rate and monthly payment down is really in our best interest. I am very excited and proud of myself. I have yet to talk to matt at all- so I hope he feels the same. Its even more exciting to input the new numbers into my budget spreadsheet and see how much money we can put towards other debts.

Other than that, business went as usual for a Tuesday. Went to zumba- was disappointed it was a different teacher. I felt like we were being led by a hello kitty character. she was very energetic and very asian.(sorry but its true!) but she knew what she was doing and was really fun. I missed dancing to my britney song, but it was good to switch up the routine with lots of latin songs. Towards the end of class some guys came in and hung out in the back (waiting for the bball courts) but it was PERFECT timing because Gavin was fussing and I let him out of his stroller. After dancing with us girls for a minute or two, Gavin was fascinated with the basketball. The guys were good babysitters and kept him entertained so I could finish my workout. He had so much fun, and later on he saw basketball on TV and completely stopped what he was doing to watch.

I don't do white busses

Welp, here we go. Number 3 as a family. Ive been dying to blog the past 2 days and formulated so much good writing in my head but now Im sure it wont be so amazing. but in a nutshell, we had the requisite blowout fights on saturday. stayed up all night packing. woke gav up at 4:30am and didnt come home til 7:30. Gavin sure kept everything cheerful for everyone.He walked around accepting candy and cookies from whoever offered and even threw the football around for a bit. It was cold, but the sun finally came up. Right as busses started pulling in we said our goodbyes at the car. I didnt do the white bus thing before and I still wont do it. Why prolong it? Quite frankly, Matt goes into business mode and isnt the lovey dovey husband I so long for. (he was at home, of course) I was exhausted and thankfully so was Gav, so we went to sleep for about 4 hours. Woke up and friends were going swimming, so I figured what a great way to kill time before our 2pm movie! Packed a picnic lunch in my cute little lunch bag and off we went to the family pool. Some friends were there for her son's 2nd birthday party so it was nice to have people to talk to and the kids played a bit in the shallow kids pool. The water was cold, but it was still fun. Went home, changed real quick and made it just in time at base theatre (it was packed!) for Rio. OMG, cute cute movie! Gavin did good, he danced in my lap to all the singing and dancing. so cute. he passed out on me at the end. we went home for a little nap and Emily needed some company so we got subway sandwiches and headed to the dino park to tire the kids out. I realize now I was avoiding my house. It was so messy and dirty, it was overwhelming and I just didnt want to clean just yet. I guess I also didnt want to face the fact that my husband left.

Today was a good day. Woke up, had breakfast, ignored the mess and went to storytime at the library. Gavin is so much bigger than the kids now-but he plays real  nice with everyone and just likes to cruise around and look at the books and occasionally sing a song and clap his hands. went home, he ate some lunch then took a nap. I hung out and watched some shows on DVR and heated up some lasagna I made on saturday. Finally got up and cleaned the kitchen. Apparently the lasagna was so good, sauce got on the ceiling so I had to find the stepstool to get up there! Gavin woke up and played outside while I finished some more cleaning. We listened to Nicki Minaj on pandora and it felt good to have a clean house again! tonight I wanted to go walking so we ended up heading to the Clarks and hung out and walked around the block a few times. I didnt want to leave their house, but it was time for Gavin to get home and get in his jammies. It is now 10pm and Gavin did not have the best bedtime. We read books and went to sleep like normal but he woke up 20 minutes after I laid him down and was inconsolable. I cuddled him and tried to lay him back down but he wouldnt have it. He never does this anymore! I gave him orajel and snuggled some more. Still crying forever and ever. So I finally just went up and gave him some tylenol because his mouth seems to be bothering him and decided to just bring him downstairs with me. I dont know why he is doing this, but I sure hope its not like he realizes daddy is gone or something =( I thought for sure he would be tuckered out from playing with Wyatt and fresh air during our walk. Oh well, on to tomorrow. Im going to finish up a show or two and finally go to bed. I hope to hear from my husband soon. I love and miss you honey.

grateful

More and more each day I am feeling grateful for the challenges presented to me. Because I know I become a stronger,smarter person once all is said and done. This year has been trying. Ive heard the term "3rd year glitch" in a marriage and boy, was it ever. Matt and I surely have grown into our new role as parents and partners. It wasnt easy. He came home from deployment to a 4 month old baby and a wife who felt like she could do everything. I dreamt of fantastical scenarios of our little family living happily ever after...but hello! life isnt rainbows and butterflies! Matt had lived as a bachelor for 6 months, worrying only about himself and I had learned how to be a mother 24/7 to our beautiful new baby. I didnt understand why it took him at least 2 weeks to finally adjust to sleeping in our time zone. He retreated into the computer and didnt bounce up to help with the baby duties. I also didnt make it easy on him, I was too controlling with the routine and without realizing it, I made him feel like he wasnt doing anything right. =( Here's my biggest realization: He cannot read my mind!

Matt came home from deployment, went on another shorter deployment, went to fleet week, and numerous trainings in the field. In 2010 we spent all of 4 months together as a family. tough stuff indeed. His stress level was high and I wasnt feeling happy at all. Without going into too many gory details, I packed up and left. All my stuff went into storage and I headed home to Napa. Probably the most depressing point in my life and Matt will say the same. Countless counseling sessions, tearful conversations with family and friends, and many miles driven led me back to 29 Palms. It felt right to*try* one more time. Because if we didn't try now, then when? Coming back home to be a family together was the BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Matt has made the effort to be a better husband,partner and father. We have learned to communicate better and spend more time together. I trust him wholeheartedly again and we have realistic expectations of each other. I allow him "me-time" to relax after work. He understands I need a break from mommyhood too. We recently attended a workshop called "The 5 Love Languages" put on by the base(MCFTB)which was great to experience together... and totally helped us understand what our spouse needs to keep their "love-tank" full. (turns out my love language is gifts and matt's- acts of service) www.5lovelanguages.com

So after this 3 year glitch, I still feel like everything happens for a reason. I am grateful for everything that has happened to me. We had to go through an incredibly rough time. I lost 2 best friends, but gained a whole gaggle of new ones! Our marriage is so much more healthy and strong. I feel ready for this deployment coming up. It sucks to be separated, but I know I am independent. Days will go slow, and some will just be plain BAD. but I am looking forward to the trips, projects, events and friends that will take up my time. I am most looking forward to volunteering at the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society. I have never volunteered ever in my life (i dont know why!) but this position is right up my alley. I really enjoy helping others, learning new things, meeting new people, but also an added bonus of FREE CHILDCARE! :P I love my Gavins, but he is old enough to spend some time with other kids while mom gets a break.

Thank you for reading my thoughts about our marriage today. The biggest thing that I really wanted to know was that I was not alone in having problems. Life is tough. Military life is tougher. And you never know what happens behind others' closed doors. There is help out there and way more resources available than I thought. Get out there, dont close yourself off. and most importantly, think positively! Happy Friday!

testing...testing...1..2...3

Well, Hello There!! Its time for a new blog as times are changing for us here. Of course I cant think of anything to say but check back soon. Deployment is coming up and I am determined to keep updating on the regular. currently watching: Julie & Julia while Gavin sits in his highchair eating lunch of hotdogs, grilled cheese, and cucumber. I <3 him.